Criminals In a Barbershop (Fiction)


Please note:
Explicit language is used in the telling of this story.
Some language maybe objectionable to some readers.
The action takes place in a barbershop in the city of Baltimore.
This is a payout meeting for a heist crew that just made a big score.

“Guys, everybody!
Hey Memphis, would you shut the fuck up!
I’m trying to talk and I can’t talk over you, so zip it.

Now, before I give you guys your share from this morning’s score, I want to make
a toast to Shorty here.
Shorty is the only adult I know who needs a toddler’s stepladder to sit on the toilet.”

(All the men start to laugh )

” I maybe short, but I got a big pecker!”

(more laughter)

“Seriously guys, what in the world would we do without this sawed-off runt of a man that still can’t take a piss without someone lifting him up above the toilet seat?”
Shorty, I tell you the truth, I don’t give a damn what these jokers say about you behind your back,
you are my ace in the hole, more precious than gold and I love you man.

Say Shorty, tell the guys about Squirt-Man.”

“Aw shit! Now why would I want to tell these Jigga’s about that crazy bitch?”

“Shorty, we all family here, now if you want me to. I’ll tell it, your choice.”

” Well what happened was my neighbor came over to my house and he asked me to drive him to the VA hospital; he thought he was having a heart attack.
Now, when we arrive at the emergency room it’s wall to wall with people see, my neighbor and I find two seats, but we are apart and sitting next to me is a peculiar looking joker, he wore a shower cap and he had on a white jump suit, you know the kind they wore back in 1970.

The joker looks me up and down and mumbles some incoherent crap I can’t make sense of, but all the while he’s frowning at me, so finally I ask him,

“What’s your fuckin’ problem?”

He stood up unzipped his fly on his jump suit, pulled out his pecker and squirted all over my brand new
alligator shoes.
The shit is whack, I’m thinking, this is just some crazy ass dream to which I’ll soon wake from.
My mind cannot believe a bitch wearing a shower cap in a white jump suit just spilled himself on my $600 GATORS! I kept telling myself it was all silly dream, but then the prick aimed his pecker up and he squirted up on my shirt, that’s when I jumped on top of the chair and I grabbed the fucker by the throat and I tried my best to choke the life out the bitch.

The police came and they just stood there watching old Shorty cutting off this jigga’s air supply, I turned around and they were laughing their asses off white and black cop, then they came and pulled me off the bitch and all the while they were laughing. It took four cops to pull me off him.

Sucker ruined a pair of $600 alligator shoes, man I loved those shoes!”

“Squirt-man used to be called Guitar Willie until one day he came home after touring with his band only to catch his wife in bed getting screwed by the pastor of their church. Poor man lost his damn mind over some worthless hoe, now the nigger goes around pissing on folk he thinks screwed his hoe wife.

Gentlemen, it’s getting late and I have really enjoyed your company, now that you have all been paid and you are all rich gangsters I have but one thing to say,
get the fuck outta here,
I need to talk with Shorty about some other business.

Hey guys!
Try not to spend all your money in one place on one hoe, now, get the fuck out of my barbershop.

(The men all depart)

Shorty, let’s talk.”

“I think old Slim is a fag.”

“Who gives a fuck… Slim is the best get-away driver money can buy who gives a shit who he screws or get’s screwed by? Slim stays and I don’t want to hear no more of this fag talk about him, we need Slim.”

” I’m sorry I said that shit, You right man, Slim’s a good guy… that was a dumb thing for me to say.
T.J. , I don’t know if you know, but Tyrone Maxon just got out the joint ( Super Max Prison) the other day and he’s been telling cats on the street you owes him $80,000.
Do you know why this jigga telling the cats on the street this bull shit?

“Tyrone is just a nigga without a brain running his mouth when he shouldn’t.”

” Why is he telling the young studs on the street that you owes him $80,000?

“Tyrone used to work for me when I ran dope back in 92′.”

“Do you really owes that jigga EIGHTY GRAND?”

“Yeah it’s true. I promised that nigga the money, but I ain’t gonna give that bitch one thin dime!”

“T.J. Tyrone is one crazy jigga and he won’t mind shooting you.
What if he comes after you?”

“I’m not gonna give that nigga shit!”

“But he’s telling all the young studs out here on the street you owes him $80,000.”

“Shorty, I don’t give a damn what them PUNKS on the street think about me.
Tyrone that low down dirty nigga can kiss my ass in Macy’s window!”

” T.J. I’m worried Tyrone may try to off you.”

“Nothing would please me more… I wish that worthless nigga would try to take me down.
I want a reason to close his eyes and mouth for good. I despise that dog.”

“Hey man, I’m totally lost here… what’s really going on here with you?
none of this shit makes any sense to me?”

“Shorty every morning when I get up I want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger…
that worthless nigga Tyrone, that bitch stirs the Hitler in my fucking soul.”

“Why does this nigga Tyrone mess with your head so?”

“Shorty I have never told anybody what happened between me and Tyrone, but I’m gonna tell you.
I want you to promise me that you will never repeat to ANYONE, I mean anyone, what I’m about to tell you about me.”

“T.J. you have my word.
What you say to me is between us, YOU-ME!”

“Where do I begin?
Everyday of my life I think of my wife.
Brenda, she was everything to me; one day I found out Tyrone and my wife had become lovers.
My WIFE! My Brenda, she, she… she became PREGNANT! Pregnant by Tyrone!
You believe that shit?
That Judas son-of-a-bitch sat at my kitchen table and ate my food!
Tyrone, that miserable dog went after my old lady… I loved Tyrone like he was my own little brother;
I taught him and brought him into the drug trade and that worthless nigga disrespects me like that.

I told Brenda she was going to have an abortion… took her to the doctor myself.
I waited and waited for the abortion to be over and then, the doctor walked out of the room
looking very gloom. He walked slowly toward me with is head down looking at the floor and he shook his head.

The doctor cleared his throat and then, he, he told me, he, he, told me… my wife, my dear sweet Brenda had died. In that horrible moment I lost everything, I lost my faith in God, in friendship and love when I lost my Brenda I lost everything thing.”

“So did you think about killing Tyrone?”

T.J. :
“A thousand times!”

“Does Tyrone know that you know that he was sleeping with your wife and made her pregnant?”

“NO! And I want to keep it that way until I invite him into the Lion’s den.”

“But why wouldn’t he know?”

“Tyrone had been under close watch by the DEA, them white boys had a serious hard-on to bust Tyrone’s
Now, when they popped him, I went to see Tyrone and I told him to keep his mouth shut and do his time and when he got out I would give him $80,000.

” Now Tyrone thinks you still gonna give him that $80,000…man, that’s a tough call.”

“No Shorty, you are wrong.
Tyrone has no clue what he did to me and Brenda, he has no clue at the wrath that I have harbored all these years over the foul shit he did.”

“T.J. this is a very dangerous game you’re playing don’t you think?”

“Shorty you forget one important thing here, I have all the cards in my hands.
I have the money to make Tyrone disappear whenever I want.”

“So, you made up your mind you’re going to kill him?”

“Tyrone Maxon is a dead man walking.”

“What do you need me to do?”

While the two men plot to kill Tyrone Maxon over at the Baltimore Sun Newspaper
the lead story is being set to press.


A painting by the famed artist Vincent Van Gogh was stolen from the Baltimore Museum of Art yesterday.
The painting, “View of the Sea” was on loan form the Louvre Museum in Paris, France
The painting is valued at nine million dollars.

The Baltimore Museum director said the art masterpiece was made by Van Gogh in 1884.
The theft happened sometime between transport to Baltimore-Washington International Airport.

The FBI and Interpol have been called in to investigate.

Charles Micheaux
Micheaux Publishing
Atlanta, Georgia


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