FICTION By Charles Micheaux
“In this world a man must either be anvil or hammer.”
Chicago’s Cook County Jail
“I wants my phone call.
Now, I knows I get’s me a phone call.
Mr. police-man! Ya’ll don’t know…
I know my rights!
HELLO! HELLO! ANYBODY!!!
I need to call my Auntie… would somebody please bring me a phone.
This ain’t no way to run a police station… I’m gone tell Rahm on ya’ll asses!
I know the mayor, me and Rahm, we tight like that!
Ya’ll can’t treat Miss Pepsi any old kinda way!
My Auntie must be worried sick bout Miss Pepsi… I wish I could call Rahm right now, I would tell him
foe sure ya’ll don’t know nothing bout running no lock-up.
Oh lordy, my nerves is strained.
YA’LL hear my ass!
Woooo Lord it’s hot up in here!
I need some air… Miss Pepsi bout to burn up.
If I had my damn phone on me, I swear I’d call Rahm on Ya’ll… when I see the mayor all ya’ll gone be looking for a new job! Believe that shit!
(Down two cell blocks an inmate yells out.)
“WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
I’m trying to sleep here.
You twisted freak!”
“Excuse me, well, well, well Miss Pepsi has some company…. what’s your name suga?
I love a take charge man that speaks with authority… you must be an Aries?”
“Hey fag- ass-hole, would you just shut the fuck up!
You woke my ass up with all that damn bitch talking. Just shut up!”
“Poor baby can’t sleep… you wanna suck on mamma’s titty? What’s the matter momma didn’t let you suck on her breast enough when you was in diapers?
(Miss Pepsi snaps her fingers.)
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“You really didn’t like your mother when you was a child I can see.
Honey, if you could only see me right now… you just don’t know… men all over the world
would kill to get between my legs.
Let me introduce myself, my name is Miss Pepsi, and I’m better than Coke suga, Sprite too and Mountain Dew is a joke.
I’m Miss Pepsi from the south side and I’m absolutely delicious to the last drop.
Suga, if yo’ momma was standing next to you right now she would slap the taste outta yo’ mouth for being ignorant.”
(Miss Pepsi snaps her fingers.)
“SHUT UP! Hey look FAG… I’m trying to sleep.
Why don’t you try sucking your own cock or something, but be QUIET!”
“Just what I always wanted for my birthday… a man locked up all to myself!
But is this man handsome?
Hey there DENZEL… is you handsome?
I hope you got big feet and big hands and … ooooooh, I ought to stop!
It’s hot up in here and I got DENZEL WASHINGTON all to myself.
DENZEL you want to go to sleep and I got all this good booty waiting for you?”
“You IS ONE CRAZY ASS FAG!
Immma beat yo ass when I see you!”
“DENZEL gonna give Miss Pepsi a spanking, I can’t wait…
what time you planning on spanking my ass?
Will you make love to me first, then spank me?
I need you to be gentle with me the first time; no pulling off my wig
and absolutely no licking off my eye lashes. And I am only to be spanked with a velvet rope, I have soft skin.”
“GUARD! GUARD! SOMEBODY!!! COME GET THIS CRAZY FAG AWAY FROM MY ASS!
GUARDS! GUARDS! GUARDS!!!”
“DENZEL, somebody in that cell with you bothering you?
Ya’ll leave my DENZEL alone; that’s my man!
Honey if you could see me you would never take yo’ eyes off Miss Pepsi.
I walked the run ways of New York, Paris, Rome, Madrid, London and Milan.
I have been on the cover of Vogue, Elle, Marie Claire just to name a few.
I have been pursued by Kings AND Queens, Drag-Queens that is.
Wooooooo child! It’s too hit up in here!
DENZEL, tell me suga, what do you do when you not making movies?
Perhaps you work part-time at Burger King?”
“Hey fag, Imma really put a ass whupin on ya when I see yo’ ass!”
“DENZEL, violence is not the way.
No suga, you need to love Miss Pepsi; who needs sleep when they can hear my voice?”
(Cook County Jail guards walk in cell block.)
“HER-MAN JONES! YOUR BAIL CAME IN … LET”S GO.”
” Thank God Auntie finally got Miss Pepsi’s bail money… DENZEL! DENZEL! DENZEL!
I’m leaving now… you gonna miss me suga?
Call me sometime… I’m on “Craig’s List” 1-800-PESI-GOOD
Bye DENZEL… dream about me now.”
“GO TO HELL YOU CRAZY FAG!”